Surrender

Over the course of the past few weeks, I have gone through some personal catharsis. It’s been kind of intense and it involves getting to a new and different place with my divorce. I don’t talk about the details of my divorce on the blog, because that’s no fun for anyone and it is frankly no one’s business.

I have been on my own for 2.5 years and it has been an arduous process rebuilding my life and working on myself. With time and a shit ton of therapy, I am in a really good place. I am happy. Happy in my new house, happy with Oliver, happy in my own skin. And there’s no guy or anything that helped get me here, it’s just me (I love that part!). I don’t think it is a coincidence that as I am here, in this space, I am also ready to let go of the anger that has lingered these past few years post split. What’s so funny is I never realized how good it would feel. How crazy is that? By surrendering to forgiveness, which I thought insurmountable at one time, I feel this massive weight has lifted. Seriously, it feels amazing.

This has not been an overnight transformation from angry Lynne to happy Lynne, by any means. It has been an evolution of healing and processing which has lead me to a place that I am finally ready to accept and forgive. As much as I needed to hold on to my anger for that time, to really feel it and be in it, I don’t need it anymore. I am ready to move on. And now I can see how much energy I was spending holding on to it so tightly. Energy that I can now put into something much more gratifying, like just living and enjoying not having any major conflict in my life for the first time in for-fucking-ever!

Does that mean I will never have angry feelings again about how challenging divorce and co-parenting with your ex can be? Duh, no. But I am going to take a minute and appreciate where I am today and hope that it will help me through the challenges going forward in a different way.

This post has been a draft for 2 weeks. Today in my amazing Corepower Yoga class, the instructor read this quote during shavasana:

Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson, that must be learned before we can move forward.

Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today, but we can know that it is important. We can know it is good.

Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.

…and I realized that I needed to finish the post as I have been set free. In the words of Dina Manzo, Namaste Bitches.

2 thoughts on “Surrender

  1. KJM

    Lynne — this is the first time I have read your blog. I found it through a mutual friend. I want you to know that I admire your courage in exposing yourself to us, the general public. I myself, went through a tumultuous divorce which changed the lives of me and my three children forever. Through my own battles, I too came to find myself (again) and my strength. Surrendering is a big challenge. Sometimes I think I am there, and other days I realize I am far from it. As yoga is a practice, I expect, so too is surrendering. Sometimes I feel it is helpful to remember (in the words of W.Somerset Maugham) “that we are not the same people this year as last, nor are those we love; it is a happy chance, if changing, we continue to love a changed person”. Namaste 🙂

    1. lynneshutt

      Thank you for your thoughtful reply Kara! I agree completely, surrender is an ongoing practice. I love your quote. And I am hopeful that the next time around I experience the happy chance. Thanks again for reaching out and sharing. Incredibly validating.
      Lynne

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