Tomorrow is my birthday. I am turning 38. Honestly, the number doesn’t bother me, I’m surprisingly not super concerned about being old (maybe that’s the Botox talking). My life is most definitely not where I thought it would be. I’m divorced. I’m a single mom. But I am looking forward to this birthday more than I have in a long time. It feels clean. There is no 1st anniversary of anything bad this year. Not of my divorce, not of my husband leaving, not of moving out of our family house. This year is just about me, feeling good and ready to see what 38 has in store. I’m even having a birthday party to celebrate, this year just felt right.
As we just rang in 2014 and my birthday is early in the year, I have been trying to set some intention for what I want this year to be. I am conflicted about the word “happy”, it seems almost empty and meaningless when a real life and feelings have so much more depth and color, but in essence, that is what I am striving towards. Happiness, contentedness. Not every moment. Not all the time. But as a general rule. Is it totally acceptable that I get lonely and sad sometimes? Yes. Those feelings are not exclusively about being single or divorced, they are just about being human, and I’m good with that. Note – get yourself a good therapist. Worth every penny.
The last 2 years have been an absolute challenge in finding my happy. I have worked really, really hard to keep it in sight. I have shed a whole bunch of what I used to think made me happy. This includes friends, husband, job. I still struggle with some of the friendships that are no longer a part of my life, this has been one of the most difficult things to make peace with. But I ultimately know that the people I have around me, who love me unconditionally, have stuck with me and been loyal, are all that I could ever want or need. I really cannot stress this enough. The friends and family who make me laugh, feel connected, emotionally and intellectually, this fills me up.
Oliver fills me up. Being his mom is something I feel so rooted in and good at. I am not saying for one second that I am the model mom. For instance, some days we may watch more TV than is recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics. And we love it. Sometimes he drives me crazy and just this morning he told me that I wasn’t allowed to talk, only he could talk, and he would tell me when I could talk. He hits me sometimes and he gets time-outs. But lots of the time, we laugh and we are goofy and we love to snuggle. The moment I hear his feet pad down the hall in the morning and he crawls in my bed…all is right in my world.
It’s kind of cool to be starting a year and have it be a bit of a blank slate. I am moving into a new house in a few months. Super exciting. It’s in a new neighborhood, Magnolia, just close enough to Queen Anne to make me feel comfortable (and still exercise at Inspire), but far enough away to feel like a new adventure. I know this post is different than my norm, but I have to say, part of my happy has been this blog. I like to write. I like to put myself out there (and sometimes feel super uncomfortable after I post something, like the Botox post). I don’t mind opening up my life a little and being vulnerable.
Here’s to thirty-eight. Happy Birthday to me! I truly cannot wait to see what this year has to offer.